Having discussed how we as individuals may work on ourselves
by developing spiritual
awareness, conscious self-mastery, understanding
of feelings, and clear thinking,
we turn now more directly to
our relationships with other people.
Communication is an important
way of sharing awareness with other people,
both in learning from
others and in conveying our own needs, feelings, aspirations,
ideas, intentions, motives, wishes, concerns, and so on.
Communication
is the process that enables people to live together as a community.
As more human beings live on this Earth, the challenges of learning
how to get along with each other continue to increase.
Even rural
people tend to live in families and towns,
while the growing urban
populations are having more interactions.
Many people have noticed
that those living in small towns tend to be friendlier
than the
residents of big cities who see so many people every day
that
it is difficult to relate personally to each of them.
Yet even
in metropolitan areas people can have harmonious relations by
learning
how to respect everyone and by practicing courtesy even
with strangers.
In relating to human beings I believe that respect is a good
way to begin.
As humans we each have our own dignity and sensitivities.
Surely everyone wants to be respected as a person, and no one
wants to be mistreated.
The golden rule teaches that if we would
like to be respected,
then we should respect others in the same
way.
Some believe that respect needs to be earned,
and therefore
they only respect certain people.
Although some people may deserve
special considerations, I suggest that
treating every person as
worthy of respect lifts humanity to a finer level.
Besides, it
is rather obvious that those who do not treat others with respect
will often not be respected in return.
Courtesy has been found to make encounters with other people
more pleasant and considerate.
We help children learn how to respect
people by teaching them
the value and importance of using such
magic words as “please” and “thank you.”
Even
before memorizing the alphabet, children can begin to learn
how
to be considerate of others and how to share.
Usually when most
people interact in public
they are modest and courteous toward
people they meet.
People normally wait their turn in lines, and
often they are too shy
to even strike up a conversation, which
may make standing in line
an interesting and possibly even an
educational experience.
The recent introduction of cell phones
has enabled people to have conversations
with someone at a distance
without being limited by a wire.
Yet what used to be private conversations
can now sometimes
be overheard in public and may be irritating
to other people.
Politeness in this and other personal conflicts
is part of gentle living.
When people are in the privacy of their own automobile,
they
are insulated from personal contact with other drivers.
This makes
communication difficult, and the options such as using the horn
or altering one's driving pattern are crude and can also be dangerous.
Driving a heavy car or truck at high speeds is a very dangerous
activity
and needs to be done with supreme caution.
Defensive
driving is recommended as being much more safe than aggressive
driving.
The wise driver will leave enough space in front of the
car
in order to be able to see and in an emergency to stop or
adjust.
The gentle or courteous driver respects the rights of
pedestrians, bicyclers, and other cars and trucks.
Following speed
limits is safer, and at higher speeds it conserves fuel as well.
Certainly it is better for slower drivers to use the right lanes,
yet that does not give the law-breakers who are exceeding the
speed limit
the right to intimidate other drivers who may be traveling
at or below the speed limit.
Communication begins when we give our attention to another
person.
We can show respect by looking at the person who is attempting
to communicate with us and by listening with our undivided attention.
Maintaining direct eye contact is a very effective way of developing
a close connection.
This is actually one of the fastest paths
to intimacy, and for that reason
many people are leery of extended
eye contact and will often look away.
We can be sensitive to people’s
feelings and concerns,
respecting the conscious and subconscious
wishes of others.
For those who do wish to develop intimate communication
quickly, being in close
proximity with much eye contact are effective
ways of opening oneself to the other person.
Listening skills vary.
Some people may let their minds wander
off on other ideas or may immediately react
with moral judgments
and then begin planning how one intends to respond.
The good listener
clears one’s mind in order to absorb
what the other person is
saying and expressing nonverbally also.
Instead of setting up
one’s own independent view,
try to see the perspective of the
person who is talking.
By observing as neutrally as we can without
forming any judgments
we can begin to understand what the speaker
is saying.
Empathy means feeling for other people without having
any judgmental attitudes.
If we use our imagination to put ourselves
in their situation,
we may better understand the feelings they
are expressing.
As we are listening, we may want to make sure that
we are understanding
correctly what the other person is saying.
One way to do this
when we are not sure is to summarize or paraphrase
what we are
understanding the person has said
and ask if the speaker thinks
our comprehension is correct.
Then the communicator can clarify
the meaning by explaining
what one is actually intending to communicate.
This process of active listening can be used
when both people
are comfortable with the technique.
It can be cumbersome and time-consuming
to try to paraphrase everything,
and it is usually helpful in
getting the main points
and in clearing up possible misunderstandings.
After hearing the listener’s paraphrase, the speaker can affirm
what was understood and make corrections.
The point is not to
determine whether a misunderstanding was caused by the speaker
or the listener but just to come to a good understanding.
In this
way the speaker learns how to express one’s ideas better,
and
the listener finds out how well one is understanding the messages.
The art of gentle living means being sensitive to others as
one is to oneself.
Body language will often give us clues as to
what the person is feeling
and how one may respond appropriately.
If the other person seems to be cowering away from us,
we may
be coming on too strongly and loudly.
The listener who is leaning
forward and has an expression of struggle on one’s face
may be
straining to hear because we are speaking too softly.
If the person
seems impatient or uncomfortable, we may simply ask them
what
it is that might be bothering them.
Perhaps they are in a hurry
and would rather communicate at another time.
Many people would
just say this; yet some may be too shy, and so we may need to
ask.
Not interrupting is normally part of courtesy and sensitivity,
although in some circumstances one may have a valid reason for
interrupting,
especially if the person has been speaking for a
long time without a break for a response.
Interrupting in the
middle of a phrase can be disconcerting;
we can be sensitive
by being patient and waiting for a pause.
We need to be sensitive
to our own needs and concerns
so that we can communicate them.
If the other person is not skilled at communicating wishes,
we
may want to ask the person directly
what they want or perhaps
make a tentative suggestion.
Being sensitive is often aided by
listening to our intuition and our compassion.
By communicating
gently with respect for others they can feel more safe
and able
to express their true feelings, concerns, and desires.
As previously
mentioned, not judging the person is very important,
and offering
criticism needs to be done
with the utmost sensitivity so as not
to alienate the person.
We can be sensitive to other people’s needs, wishes, and choices
by being adaptable and respectful.
In expressing our own needs,
feelings, and ideas
we can be humble and considerate of others.
Insisting that others agree or adopt one’s own views or proposals
often makes minor conflicts worse.
We can be sensitive by discerning
whether we are standing up for our own rights
or attempting to
impose our beliefs and values on another.
I believe we have a
right to insist on our own rights as long as we are not harming
others;
but if we insist that others do what we want,
they may
resist in order to defend their own prerogatives.
Most people are more likely to be influenced by the expression
of feelings
than they are by ideas.
Our feelings may become bottled
up and explosive or poisonous
if we do not allow them to express
in healthy ways.
Nonetheless we still need to monitor our negative
emotions
and be sensitive to their possible effects on other people.
Thus we need to find ways of expressing them that will not offend
or alienate others.
We can be very angry about something and yet
find a gentle way of
communicating why we are so concerned about
the situation.
However, if we release our negative feelings in
ways that appear to be against other people,
the reaction is likely
to be negative and make the situation worse.
Here again empathy
is important.
We need to consider how we would want to hear our
concern.
Putting other people down for what we do not like will
probably not change their behavior.
First it is helpful to find
out if the listener is willing to hear your concern.
Otherwise
by going against their wishes
your views may be rejected, and
you may feel frustrated.
A common problem is that many blame other people and imply
that they are responsible for what one is suffering.
Although
we may wish to help other people to learn how to be more responsible,
that ultimately is going to be their choice.
If we begin by taking
responsibility for our own feelings by communicating
what we are
feeling as well as why we feel upset,
then the other person may
be more open to understanding.
When someone attacks another person
verbally,
the natural reaction is for that person to defend oneself.
Instead of projecting our own feelings onto others, we can own
our own feelings
by making “I” statements instead of
accusing other people
by saying such things that might begin,
“You are” or “You shouldn’t.”
By describing
our own feelings consciously we are being responsible for them
even though our feelings were in response to the actions of others.
In this way we do not seem to be as accusatory of others.
When
someone understands how their actions may have affected the feelings
of another,
they then may feel more free to accept some of the
responsibility
for what they may have done.
When explaining how
the behavior of others may have triggered our emotional response,
we can be factual by stating what we observed happened without
making judgments
about it except to say how we felt in response.
When we have empathy and are sensitive to the feelings of others,
they are more likely to respond positively to us.
Expressing positive feelings can also be very helpful
so that
others may understand what is working well.
By disclosing to others
what we like about their behavior
they may feel affirmed, improving
the relationship.
Also such positive feelings can help to prepare
the way
if some other concerns may need to be expressed.
Usually
most people do not want to hear anything negative from someone
with whom they do not feel any connection.
We can also establish
mutual empathy by being willing to admit our feelings
of sadness,
fear, guilt, anger, or jealousy.
We need to make sure that we
are expressing our authentic feelings honestly.
If someone tries
to manipulate others by pretending to have feelings that are not
real,
this is likely to backfire when people realize that the
person was not sincere.
One of the greatest things about spontaneous conversations
is that
we can ask each other direct questions.
This may be a
more gentle way of getting into a topic of concern
than by expressing
opinions or complaining.
We may want to know the motives and intentions
of the other person
so that we can better understand their behavior
and attitudes.
We may also encourage others to ask us questions
so that we can better respond to their needs and interests.
Asking
a question implies that the other person can choose how to answer,
and one may even choose not to answer a particular question.
Also
asking a question shows that we are interested in learning
what
the other person has to say about that.
By this process we can
learn much from each other about all kinds of things.
The opportunity
to ask questions of a knowledgeable person can be of tremendous
value.
In developing relationship two people can get to know each
other very well
by asking each other questions as well as by
sharing
experiences and discussing various issues.
Although Socrates and
some lawyers were skilled at asking a series of leading questions
in order to demonstrate certain points, generally it is better
to ask open-ended questions
that are not simply answered by yes
or no.
Or, when asked a yes-or-no question, the person is free
to explain one’s answer.
Being open to people is an important aspect of compassionate
communication.
People who ask questions usually have an open mind
to receive new information and viewpoints.
Just as we are open
to the feelings of others by being empathetic,
we can be open to
their ideas and beliefs by being inquiring and even curious.
Also
when we give our own opinions in answering questions,
we can avoid
being authoritative and dogmatic by being willing
to consider
other possibilities as well.
This openness enables us to receive
spiritual guidance from within and from others.
Life is continually
changing, and we know so little that it is best
to be humble and
realize that much is beyond us.
Just as we allow our own authority
to be questioned,
we also have a right to question the authority
of others.
Yet this can be dangerous if it is not done diplomatically.
Thus in questioning we can learn how to avoid
having a belligerent
or arrogant attitude.
In compassionate communication we are respecting the freedom
and dignity of people.
Although we may want other people to act
in specific ways,
we can realize that it is always their choice.
Thus instead of giving orders or making demands,
gentle communicators
make requests, suggestions, or offers.
Each person has the right
to make their own decisions about their own affairs.
If someone
wants to do something that directly affects someone else,
then
one may ask permission.
Surely we expect as much if someone is
aiming to do something that may affect our lives.
Decisions involving
mutual cooperation thus can greatly benefit by good communication
so that the needs and wishes of each person may be harmonized
in the best way possible.
Sometimes this may result in compromises
in order to
be able to achieve a working partnership.
The choice
of not cooperating is always possible, and one may decide
that
this is worse than a compromise.
Sometimes communication becomes negotiation.
Those whose negotiating
style does not allow compromise
may end up with some horrendous
results.
For example, if a leader of a powerful country tells
the leaders of another country
that they must do what he (or she)
says or military force will be used,
this is really coercion or
bullying on a major scale.
This approach was taken by the US presidents
H. W. Bush against Iraq in 1990,
by Bill Clinton against Yugoslavia
in 1999,
and by George W. Bush against Afghanistan in 2001 and
Iraq in 2003.
Employers may also abuse their authority by demanding
that an employee obey their orders or be fired.
In relationship
this is known as “my way or the highway.”
Although these
are choices (because people always have a choice),
they may not
really be fair or considerate choices.
Those who present people
with such brutal choices are likely to end up
with nothing or
a bad situation.
Thus when we offer other people choices, we need
to be as open as possible.
We can listen with empathy to their
needs and interests
so that we can find what is truly best for
everyone.
Nonetheless we each have our own integrity, and it is
important
to communicate to others the ethical standards we will
not violate.
For many this would include such basic precepts as
not killing, not stealing, not lying, not cheating, and so on.
Even in giving advice it is usually wise to give the other
person several choices or options
so that they will realize they
have choices and are making their own decision.
Even before giving
advice, it is considerate to ask if the person wants to hear your
suggestions.
Thus respecting the choices of others is a continuous
process during communication.
This is why it is generally wise
not to talk too long without getting a response
or asking a question
so that others can also help direct the conversation.
People may
choose different forms of communication.
Being compassionate in
our communication means that we have empathy
for the feelings
and choices of other people as well as for our own.
When we are speaking, I believe it is best to be as honest
as possible.
Deception, unless it is only temporary for humor
or surprise and is soon made clear,
is likely to make communication
very problematic.
We may learn how to get along with anyone,
but
it is most difficult with those who are violent or lie.
Violence
is excluded from gentle living because it does not allow choices
and does not respect persons.
Lying or deception in communication
may cause people to make choices
that are not for their good because
they were misled.
When the lie or deception is exposed,
then trust
for the person who deceived is seriously damaged.
One begins to
doubt what the person says and whether promises will be fulfilled.
These make cooperation or partnership very difficult
and possibly
even chaotic and intolerable.
They say you can live with anyone
except a liar,
because you cannot be sure what is really happening.
Of course anyone can make a mistake, and some statements
may turn
out to be false because one was misinformed or made an error.
These things happen but can be more easily cleared up
by communicating
the truth when it becomes known.
People who lie to others often
deceive themselves,
and so others may have to learn how to deal
with these patterns;
such experiences may cause people to develop
a skepticism
that can be healthy in these situations.
In some
circumstances lying may be understandable.
If a person feels threatened,
or in an extreme case if one is actually being tortured,
then
in self-protection one may say what those doing the intimidating
want to hear.
In such cases those using the coercion or threat
of violence
may bear more of the responsibility for the resulting
falsehood and confusion.
Even as we are being frank and honest, we can still be sensitive
to the feelings of others.
As with advice, it is wise to ask if
someone wants to hear some constructive criticism.
If so, then
one may gently go into it by affirming the positive things as
well as
noting what you think may benefit by improvement.
By placing
the emphasis on the positive alternatives, the criticism may seem
more constructive and less of an attack on the person’s behavior
or attitudes.
We can also be honest about our own shortcomings
and faults
so that others can see that we are not implying that
we are better.
The honest disclosure of our mistakes and errors,
which people may fear to make
because they do not want to admit
mistakes and so lose trust,
often gains more trust from others
who are usually wise enough
to realize that the person who has
admitted a mistake is not as likely to repeat it.
Thus the worst
mistake a person may make is not admitting a past mistake,
because
that means the past mistake has not been corrected
and is not
likely to be corrected.
Thus what was a little mistake has become
a big mistake.
Another important way of being honest with people is declaring
our intentions.
This is useful for several reasons.
It helps us
to focus on our purposes, communicate them to others,
and thus
makes them more likely to be fulfilled.
It also helps others to
relate better to us because
they know what our goals and objectives
are.
If we do not declare our intentions for a long time,
the
other person in a prospective relationship for example,
may be
developing hopes and wishes that are not based on reality.
Then
when the intentions eventually become known,
great emotional disappointment
and hurt may result.
This is sometimes called “stringing
people along.”
If the assumed intention is changed, it may
be “bait and switch.”
As humans we are all pursuing
various purposes,
and communication is an important part of working
for our ideals and goals.
As we work with other people, these
various motives and intentions interact.
Thus it is usually helpful
for people to know why we are involved in various activities.
People with similar intentions may want to work together toward
their goals,
and so it is useful for them to know what each person’s
priorities and commitments are.
By being open and honest about our intentions people can relate
to us with more awareness.
We can ask people for what we want
while still recognizing their right to say no or do something
else.
In intimate relationships especially this open communication
enables each partner
to let one’s deepest and most sensitive desires
be known to the one
who may be able to help fulfill them.
The
partner may respond by expressing their preferences in relation
to those desires,
and by this process of loving communication
they can find the best ways to relate to each other and the world.
This chapter has been published in the book The Art of Gentle Living.
For information on ordering, please click here.